Lap Dances, Boners, and Inappropriate Giggling

setting: production desk at work and me trying to think of what to blog about

guy at work: how can you really give a lap dance when a lap is something that doesn't exist?

me:huh? *blank stare with a head tilt*

guy at work: how can you give a lap dance when a lap doesn't exist? *he then stood up to show me what he meant*

me:you always have a lap it's just in a different position...*pause* or do you?

guy at work: see it doesn't exist so you can't give a lap dance

me: so if it's not a lap dance what is it?

guy at work: dry hump

me:it's not a dry hump, you're not doing it back and if you are you will get kicked out

guy at work: that's why i don't go to clubs in virginia

me:*giggling and shaking my head*

**this is what work conversations consist of...only this time no mention of boners..well not in this particular one**

this caused me to lose my train of thought...this is all for today. maybe something later tonite. the drive home usually causes a whirlwind of WTF thoughts in my head.

peace bitches
Kristy J

Chaz Michael Michaels You Are SO Classy

....not the will ferrell character...my dog's name is chaz michael michaels. i didn't name him...my wonderful boyfriend did. that was the agreement, i could have any kind of dog i wanted aslong as he got to name it....and that's how we ended up with chaz.
moving right along i took chaz to the river on monday afternoon. he loves to chase sticks and jump in the water and i wanted him to try out swimming(he's very good at it and looks adorable doing it) so we're playing fetch for awhile and he's having a ball. i throw the stick he bounces out there to get it and starts swimming back...he stops right as he got to the shore where the water starts(the "surf" if you will) and OF COURSE he stops squats and takes a dump right there in the river! there weren't a lot of people there...thank goodness...but there did happen to be these two little girls andtheir parents about fifty feet from where we were, and she caught site of chaz defecating in the water and proclaims as loud as her voice could go "look mommy the puppy is pooping!" so the whole family looks over at me and immediately they get the children out of the water. i can't get to the poop before it floats away. the mom comes over to me and tells me maybe i should have a little class before i bring my mongrel out into public. i stood up took my sunglasses off and said to her"excuse me?! you're honestly NOT going to stand there and tell me 1)i have no class bc my dog pooped in the water and 2) that one of your "precious" angels has never peed in the ocean/river, yah right! if you have that much of a problem with me and my mongrel then you should leave" and with that i threw the stick back into the water continued to play with my dog. they left shortly after that. i know what you're thinking...i make friends EVERYWHERE i go. ah well...
so all in all i'd say it was a perfectly lovely afternoon!

**so i have 16.5 days until my love comes home from deployment YAY!!!!!!!**

alright i need to walk around before i freeze up here.
peace bitches
Kristy J

this follows no rhyme or reason-you've been warned

this post will follow no rhyme or reason...it's been a couple of shitty days at work and i've had one(three) too many glasses of wine and well this is what you get:

first of all lis THANK YOU for making me smile with your comment. i was stoked with the compliment. i get a big kick out of your blog too! (seriously read her blog it's great)


second, i completely offended an entire race of people in about three seconds at work today with out even realizing..i'm a JACKASS! here's the story(this might get wordy it takes some background for the full effect) so i work in a cleanroom environment(bunny suit, safety glasses, gloves...the whole nine) and we can only use certain types/colors of pens/markers. the colors are red and black...my opinion not pretty and it gets boring. we had been breaking the rules and using all kinds of colors but they busted us and now it's back to black and red. my friend jeff and i always complain about it bc 1)lame and 2)nothing better to do. today was a LONG and TEDIOUS day of things breaking and going wrong for twelve hours...so it's the end of my shift and i'm just wrapping things up and he leans over and says "no pretty colors" and i immediately shoot back with "black are you kidding me that's not pretty" (side note jeff is a black guy) he just stood there and then coughed and walked off. i am completely oblivious to what happened until my co worker was looked at me with like WTF is your problem and then burst into laughter...of course i was like "huh" and then BAAAAAM! it hit me...WOW I AM A JACKASS WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!! i felt/feel horrible. so needless to say work is going to be interesting(red:awkward) tomorrow at work. oh did i mention like four people at work like me and don't think i'm a bitch? wait make that three...oops my bad i suck!

so another thing...as i was sitting on my couch guzzling riesling tonite i got to thinking about how completely insanely awesome my dog is..i know i know "another crazy dog person" but seriously he's awesome. he's a golden retriever puppy and pretty much the chillest dog ever. oh and he loves wine(i know this by NO fault of my own) AND he knows what glass the wine is in and gets just as about excited as i do when i have some! i left the glass on the table like two months ago and he helped himself to a couple of drinks...now he's hooked. he IS my dog so i guess that's to be expected. the boyfriend doesn't know...SURPRISE! (the boyfriend is on deployment THREE WEEKS and he'll be home...i'm pretty much jumping put of my skin with excitement) *tried to put a picture of chaz we'll see if it works*

moving right along into more rambling for anyone who loves wine like i do...my favorite is riesling..YUMM! but a friend of mine gave me a gewurztraminer and i might say it's delicious. so give it a try and let me know if you like it. it's a sweet wine but seriously!

i also decided what my biggest pet peeve is. it absolutely grates on my nerves when someone tells me i look "tired"! really...who the hell are you to tell me i look tired. you mean absolutely NOTHING why are you speaking to me or even in my general direction especially at 6:45 in the morning. and for some reason people don't understand that telling a girl they look "tired" is a polite way of saying you look like shit. and last time i checked no one liked to be told that. so just for future reference don't say that kind of thing to girls or for that matter ANYONE!

ohk so i think this is getting a little space cadet even for me. i leave you with this:there's always atleast one person that can make you smile when you've had days that the world just opens up and shits all over your day...hold on to that person and appreciate them and let them know how important they are to you. i know that came out of left field but i promise it's good advice.

it's that time
peace bitches
Kristy J

**i have no idea how to put pictures where i want them...but obviously that's my beautiful dog**

Irritating People Without Even Trying 101

i'm starting to realize how much i irritate people on a daily basis with absolutely no effort whatsoever.

i noticed this yesterday when i went to get myself some delicious chicken from KFC. it was afternoon and bright outside so like normal human beings i had sunglasses on. they aren't the huge audrey hepburn singlasses just kinda oval and very me. i rarely take them off when i run into places(if i'm going shopping or sitting down to eat i'll take them off, if it's a quick in and out bit then no) so i walk in place my order, get my drink, and wait. and i look at the girl getting my food and she's whispering(read:yelling) about the "stuck up blonde bitch with her sunglasses on while she's inside" so i turn around and immediately start giggling. she hands me my food and starts asking me why i'm laughing...i just take my food tell her to have a nice day and as i do it i lifted my sunglasses up and nodded and walked out. ohk so it's kinda dumb but it made me smile. no idea my actions without even trying could actually grate on someone's nerves like that. granted it was a no education 16 year old who is probably supporting her coke habit but still...


onto another subject-the DC trip or shall we call it How to be hammered and still look fabulous!
it was A LOT of fun! the conference was a HUGE let down. i got upset cried a little and decided to crack open the three bottles of deliciously chilled wine in the hotel room...this started at 2pm on saturday afternoon. the three bottles of wine were empty by the time we left for dinner at 5:30pm....this entry will probably go faster if i list it
Top Ten Stupid Things I did/that happened in D.C.
1)drank an entire bottle of wine before my friends got back from the mall that was three blocks from the hotel

2)tipped over a room service tray full of water, hummus, and french fries all over me and my outfit

3)layed in the mess so i could respond to a text message

4)blow dryed my shirt and jeans dry(no hummus got on me just water) so i didn't have to change

5)forced all of the doormen and concierges to take pictures with my friends and i bc "we are f#cking important"

6)got cut off at hard rock at 9p.m.

7)got asked by a group of handicapped women if i had down syndrome

8)busted in on an innocent couple having sex in a bathroom stall while looking for my drunk friend who i thought was having sex in the bathroom stall

9)ordered mcdonalds and devoured a quarter pounder with cheese value meal LARGE and a double cheeseburger

10)drunk dialed my boyfriends family to tell them how much i LOOOVE them and their son/brother

so needless to say i enjoyed myself and at the same time continued to misbehave and make bad decision. WOO go me!

alright it's lunch time...peace bitches

Kristy J

eventually i'll get my act together

so i've already beautifully demonstrated my lack of ability to keep up with things that i start. this whole blogging thing was super awesome exciting(still is) but everytime i come up with something i want to write, i'm nowhere in the vicinity of a computer. and am clearly realizing i have no writing ability...oh well.
so my days off have been filled with endless amounts of beer and my friend "the instigator" and i misbehaving and making bad decisions.
for some reason after a few(6) pitchers of beer and a free shot from the bartender, it seemed like a good idea to take scandalous(read:drunk and stumbly) pictures on our friend's new truck. they resemble a blur of color and ciggarette smoke. after the "photo shoot" we decided to call random people and insult them on the phone, i know we're highly sophisticated and mature. well i guess it wasn't random people so much as my old boss. he refused to answer the phone and when he finally did answer thought i was calling to ask him to have sex with me. this provoked a full on "wtf are you thinking" conversation that resulted in me hanging up on him. the instigator called right back and left a message telling him his girlfriend was so ugly she wouldn't let her dog pee on him. the girlfriend gets mad and calls her back...we weren't sure who it was and loudly proclaim that she sounded like a man(which in our defense was completely true)..immediately followed by laughter and the girlfriend yelling long strings of obscene words at us then hanging up.
after we finished the harrassment part of the evening we retired to the back yard to chug more miller lite and smoke ciggarettes.
all in all i'd say it was a damn good night
later on we found out that her roommate tried to sleep with her mom..but that's a story for another time or not at all. it's gets a little ridiculous from there.
so i've recapped...
things in store for this weekend
the washington dc trip!! YEAIE! i'm stoked! there's three of us going...me, my friend meg, and other friend amy. we got a pretty BA hotel in the ritzy schmoozy part of dc. should be a good time full of more misbehaving and bad decision making.
alright well it's time for the peace the fuck out at work soon..
peace bitches
Kristy J

the joys of starting something new...

so i've been randomly stopping by people's blogs that i found on jen lancaster's blog...gotta say it was a fun trip. then i realized i should actually post a blog instead of just commenting...and besides i eventually want some of those people to comment my blog and i don't think you can comment an empty page.
so here goes(never done this before)
a little about yours truly:
->i'm a hard core procrastinator(hence blogging instead of paying attention to the things i should be training on at work)
->definitely have some form of ADD or just an incredibly small attention span but it does make for interesting phone conversations
->my dog is definitely my best friend(i moved away from my friends after the navy for a new job) now i live in what pretty much could be defined as a large retirement home, nothing but old people and complete with stuck up rich kids. soo my dog and i hang out a lot.
->i have a great boyfriend who keeps me on my toes with his endless amount of sarcasm and never ending adventures for us to go on, he's also super sweet(he at this moment is on a deployment in the navy..hence my dog being my best friend)
->i am by NO means whatsoever a writer. i don't have the flow of the words or ways to make them sound neat but i do have a lot of chaotic weirdly interesting and definitely entertaining thoughts running around inside of my blonde coiffed head.
->i'm deeply sarcastic and very rarely keep my mouth shut even unfortunately if it means offending someone...with that said if i say something on here that offends you...my bad don't come back.
->i love shopping and shoes and lunching with the girls and mani/pedis and champagne brunches or wine tastings or basically any excuse whatsoever to drink wine or champagne, huge fan of girlie movies and gossiping for endless amounts of time throughout my day
->also love chugging beer and playing beer pong, the occasional(ohk constant flow) of dirty obscene jokes, i drop a lot of F bombs, pretty much get treated like one of the guys...with a nicer rack and better nails of course
->i have a geek job that i don't fit in with but the people are pretty cool so we get along. the conversations at work...lord that's a whole nother blog.
->i over analyze everything and consider myself a perfectionist
->the beach is where it's at(eventhough i loathe ocean water and sand on my body)
->i won't always make my blogs in the form of lists
->this is getting a little ridiculous
->i think you get the idea of who i am and a little of what i am about

sooo
peace bitches
Kristy J